So previously I spoke about why I decided to keep my name after my divorce, but that’s only part of the story. I had been planning to explain where my name came from, but let me explain why I use a pseudonym first…
My husband was suddenly a stranger to me. I was hurt and confused, and a big part of me did not want to be associated with him even in name only any more.
Ohhhh…there were times I was so angry!
It was not just my ex who turned against me either. I had always been the one to go to family parties, to drive our children to distant family celebrations when my ex didn’t want to go, and so on. I loved his family, but suddenly, somehow, incomprehensibly, I was an outcast.
I not only lost my husband, I lost those I considered family.
Why would I want to be associated with that name?
To be fair, this is not true of all of my ex’s family, and there was also one day in the post-partum period after Kaleb was born that due to insecurity, pain, and self-preservation I could have been nicer to one of his sisters who showed up at one of the boys’ football game. I have since tried to reach out to her to no avail, but I still feel bad about that day. I wish I could redo it. I wish I could explain to her what was going on in my head and in my heart.
I wish I knew myself.
I do tend to go off on tangents don’t I?
I decided to keep my name, but I did change some things.
My middle initial is L, and I began combining that L with a cursive loopy flourish to my last name similar to what you see above. No, I did not change my name, but returning to my old high school French class (Thanks to you , Madame Dutch!) I made myself
LaSmith – as in The Smith.
As in different from the other ordinary Smiths out there. I would be
As in The One who broke the cycle!
As in The One whose children did not follow the family pattern.
As in The One who made it out of poverty despite marital abandonment.
As in The One who would work my butt off and meet obstacles head on.
As in The One who would not hold onto bitterness and anger.
As in The One who would learn to love, even those who hurt us, in new ways.
As in The One who would grow rather than shrink with experience.
As in the One who would reach out to others.
As in the One who would follow the Lord even when I didn’t like where the path seemed to be leading.
That’s not to say I am anything. I have learned over the past five years, how little I really matter at all.
And yet, I have also learned my own value.
Strange oxymoron huh?
I would be The One only because I now had faith which before had been superficial although I hadn’t realized t at the time.
I now knew, the meaning behind the phrase,
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So for my friends who might or might not be reading this, for my friends who now think I have totally lost it (Yes, I realize this sounds a bit like I’m off my rocker even to me!) Let me tell you that tomorrow I will explain where the name Strahlen Smith came from.
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m guessing by now that you’ve guessed that Strahlen Smith is not my real name, but I thank you for humoring me. I want to explain my name selection for my friends before beginning the A-Z Blogging challenge next week!
Hope to see you tomorrow for the explanation of Strahlen Smith!