I am sitting here with my annulment letter in my hand. I have yet to open the envelope which arrived two days ago. I had more important things to do – like be a mom to my 5 boys.
But now I am sitting here in a house that I know for the next few hours will be quiet, if not exactly peaceful as I look around at the clutter five active boys have left for me while they are at their father’s this weekend. This is what I was waiting for. Time alone to cry if I feel like it, to jump up and dance and sing if I feel like it, to do whatever feels right in the moment.
I am not sure how I will feel when the verdict is read, but by having a few moments alone to digest whatever the outcome is, I am giving myself freedom to just Be in God and let Him handle my future. I don’t have to worry about the boys seeing my tears or pretend all is okay – when I feel like dying inside.
I really am not sure what I will feel when I open this envelope, and I study the outside of it for one more moment, holding more than an envelope in my hand, holding a part of my future, a part of my faith, knowing that whatever I hold in my hand is nothing compared to how I sit in God’s hand.
I am guessing the annulment went through. Maybe it’s my maiden name on the envelope, maybe it’s discussions with priests and those in the know, maybe it’s my prayers to a merciful God, but for whatever reason, I am guessing the annulment was approved, and I am guessing I will meet that decision with a bit of sadness for the death of a marriage and the loss of a man I only dreamed existed, but I think there will be an overwhelming sense of gratitude as well, gratitude, not because it allows me to date and begin “husband hunting” (awful term isn’t it???) but because it will mean I am free.
There are so many wonderful things, amazing changes in our lives right now. I am hoping receiving the annulment is one of them, but whether I do receive that blessing or not, I am filled with a sense of peace. I have learned a lot about myself and what I am made of and of my real worth. I have been pushed and poked and put under inspection by myself and outsiders and I have noticed flaws worth changing and those I can live with.
And through it all, God has shown me He is by my side. Whether I have that annulment or not, God knows the Truth behind our marriage, and He knows the plans He has for me and for my boys.
Whatever happens when I open the annulment envelope, I will trust in Him.
To Read the Annulment Letter, please go here:
The annulment process is one handled by men doing their best to discern God’s Blessing. It is a process I believe has many faults, but it is doable no matter what your financial standing or your reluctance to enter the process. Do not let your excuses hold you back from seeking an annulment and the freedom receiving one (if possible) brings. Do not let your fear of being denied an annulment hold you back from seeking one either. God knows the plans He has for you whatever the outcome of this manmade decision is.
Part V – My Chains ARE Gone!