When the divorce is final how will I be feeling? I am not sure I have answers to that.
My husband and I will appear before the Supreme Court and have our case heard. It has been almost two and a half years since my husband texted me to say he had filed and my week has been filled with reviews of paperwork, lawyer meetings, and a high level of anxiety.
I keep wondering what my husband will say on the stand. What horrible things have I said and done over the years. I’ve remembered every fight and tried to recall every unkind word I’ve ever uttered over the past now 19 years.
I keep coming back to an older couple whom I sat watching open-mouthed in a grocery store shortly after my husband left. I watched as the wife cussed out the husband and he mumbled angrily under his breath in the deli line. I remember my mind screaming, “I never would have treated B like that. I never would have… I don’t think I’ve ever cussed at him. What did I do that was so wrong that he would leave?”
I have no doubt that I said and did mean things over the 17 years we were together, but I honestly do not think I did anything that terrible. Before the anger of the divorce proceeding took over my husband he said, “You’re a good friend and a great mother, just not want I want at this point in my life.”
That comment, while hurtful, helps me realize that I did not do anything horrendous. It’s more that he had a midlife crisis and has to justify leaving his pregnant wife, but still, I wonder what I could have done differently.
And yet, I have to think this is more about him…
I have a hard time understanding how anyone could make the money he does and expect his children to live on as little as he is offering. While he makes a 6 figure salary, he is offering his children and I so little that we will still qualify for food stamps. He isd also offering to pay only 50% of daycare, medical, etc. When the divorce is final and at that rate, I will not be able to earn enough to pay for daycare and bring money home too.
While finances unnerve me right now, I am most concerned with the loss of values and freedom the boys and I now have. The loss of values speak for themselves. The loss of freedom is something many do not understand.
When the divorce is final and for the next 16 years, I have to live within 25 miles of where we are now although my husband already moved 90 miles away. We also have to be accessible to him every Wednseday for the next 16 years but he can choose to exercise visitation or not. That means no long camping trips I have promised the kids and an end to another dream the boys and I share.
It makes me wonder whom I was married to all these years. Is this the same man I believed was the center of my world such a short time ago? Did I love him so much I was blind to who he really was or did he just change that drastically? And part of me wonders what this other woman (who also makes a 6 figure salary) tells herself to justify the position they have put us in.
I usually try to offer hope and faith and some activity to help those coping with abandonment, divorce, crisis pregnancy, and other issues, but today, I am asking for your prayers. Please keep my boys and I (and because I know it is what God wants, I will with difficulty ask for you to keep my ex and his new woman) in your prayers for the next week especially. I know God has good plans ahead for all of us, but appreciate the extra prayers. Miracles do happen.
God Bless… ___________________________________________________________Because God did not make death, nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living. Wisdom 1: 13