I put aside thoughts of He Who Has Yet to Be Named and his girlfriend and turned my thoughts to my own life, to my own possible remarriage, to what the annulment might mean for me. I guessed it really didn’t change things much right now.
An annulment doesn’t grant one permission to look lustfully at the opposite sex. It didn’t grant me permission to take out an add in the local newspaper, and just what would that ad say anyway?
SWF searching for SWM in his 40s or early 50s, must love children and the Lord above all. He must believe in our Constitution, support those who put their lives on the line for our Freedom, and Love America. Would also be nice if he liked camping, the outdoors, all sorts of sports, and not mind the mess five boys can bring along.
Besides, it had been so long since I’d dated, I was pretty sure people didn’t use newspapers ads anymore, and I wondered what other faux pas I’d make in the dating scene.
I probably wouldn’t invest a lot of time in dating today, but the annulment gave me a glimmer of hope that I might one day enjoy such a relationship.
But I hoped to Love again.
I hoped to be Loved again.
I thought about Single Mom Smiling, of what I’ve put out here and how many men will turn away because of it. On some level, that saddened me, but I understood and sympathized with those men. I thought of how I still cringe sometimes when I reveal part of myself. I understood how risky it would be for a man to Love someone who had revealed so much, how deep his level of Trust would have to be and how precious and rare that Trust would be. I understood he too would have to be a Godly Man.
We are told to pray for our future spouses even before we meet them. I have been praying for mine for quite some time now. I had seen enough of God’s plans to know to follow His path even when I don’t see a way out. I knew enough to know I wouldn’t trade the many men who would turn away because of Single Mom Smiling for the one God may send who will stand up for it, for the one who will stand up for me,
for the one who will stand up for my children,
for the one who will stand up for God.
I thought of how I’d prayed over the decision to take Single Mom Smiling public and how deeply I believe this is what God wants me to do, to put myself out here, to open myself up for others, to be strong only in my vulnerability and reliance on Him, to build bridges between those feeling isolated because of their misunderstanding of the Catholic church and the Catholic church because of its failure to communicate with those hurting souls.
I hoped others would use those bridges to Come Home to the Catholic church.
I knew a long time ago, that if I “went public,” I might end the chance of a future relationship. The annulment didn’t change that.
A wise and loving woman once wrote to me saying, “Christ’s Love is sufficient for me.” I admired her for that and, after much prayer and thought, I understood.
I’d hoped to Love again,
but Christ’s Love would be sufficient,
more than sufficient.
With or without a husband, with or without the annulment, I knew who I was in God’s eyes: imperfect, unworthy, faulty beyond measured, yet Strong, Loved, Hopeful, and Growing.
All those years I’d wasted thinking I was not good enough, striving to please someone else, when I should have been striving to please God, to be a be better me, not for the love of another human, not because I kept a perfect house, weighed a certain number, or accomplished a lofty task, but because of who God made Me to become.
I should have been striving to be a better me
for the Love of God.
Just as I didn’t need the annulment to complete me or to okay a relationship I had already begun. I was glad the annulment process was over and the annulment had finally been approved, but I would have been okay without it too.
The annulment approval was just a fork in the road. I had been pointed down one path, but that path had many twists and turns ahead. Where I would end up, when I would get there, and those I would meet along the way had yet to be determined. I had been pointed in one direction, but the path I chose beyond was up to me.
I hoped to find human Love again, but I didn’t need it.
Please join me tomorrow as I wrap this part of the discussion up. Thank you and God Bless…
Part V – My Chains ARE Gone!