I woke early the morning of the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. After a long struggle, and what I now see as Satan’s attempt to stop me from loving My Mary, the Light had finally dawned – literally and figuratively. That brighter Light is something I’ll never forget – or explain adequately.
The day was special for other reasons too. Three of the five Consecration meetings were snowed out and rescheduled for times I couldn’t be there. Bad weather also threatened the final Consecration meeting, but, in what cannot be coincidence, cleared just in time for the meeting to go on as scheduled.
It was also interesting that the final meeting, one of only two I could attend, emphasized coincidences not being coincidences at all. I agreed, but wasn’t prepared for the “coincidence ” of the Consecration director placing such a big deal on Mary’s age. She emphasized that if Mary was about 14 when she had Jesus and Jesus was 33 when He died, Mary would be 47 at the time of His death.
Maybe her words meant little more than passing conversation to other group members, but to me, they were a huge message, one I’d been ignoring from my own heart.
May 10th was the day my husband announced he was leaving. It was also the same day, years earlier, that I began the bleeding which would begin the loss of our first child in an ectopic pregnancy. God used these two life changing events to create in me the faith I have now.
To help preserve anonymity when I began SingleMomSmiling and because that tragic day is the day God began creating me in His image or more accurately, that is the day I began letting Him create me in His image (more or less 😉 ), I identified May 10th as as my “new” birthdate.
But, May 10th is not my actual birthdate.
My actual birthdate is on the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes.
This year, I turned 47, the same age as My Mary at her Son’s crucifixion.
I don’t believe the emphasis or the date was coincidental.
To think God knew I’d be here on this date long before my conception!
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience.
The Morning of Marian Consecration & the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes:
Consecration morning, despite missing my boys so badly and wanting so badly for them to share this special day, I glowed! I was so excited! This THIS is what I was meant to do! I couldn’t wait to draw closer to My Mary and My God. I carefully chose a dress and heels and searched for the perfect piece of jewelry.
As I moved through the Consecration, the one thing I had noticed, even in my doubt, is a strong presence of those who have passed before us. I now feel closely connected to Christ’s Mystical Body, the Communion of Saints, the living and the dead as one.
I had fancier jewelry, but there was only one piece I wanted.
My Grandmother gave me a necklace when she died. It probably isn’t worth much in worldly terms, but to me it’s priceless. In her scrawled handwriting, on a little scrap of paper, she’d written, “Grandpa’s first gift to me.” Holding a piece representing the Love of these two is beyond explanation.
As I put on the necklace, something else caught my attention.
The Perfect Jewelry for Consecration Morning:
I picked up the small wooden box I’d bought years ago from Middle Eastern Christians. They came to us hoping to sell their beautiful Olive wood carvings to support themselves in their increasingly hostile homeland. I went to them hoping for a place to safely keep the wedding rings and Cross necklace my husband had left behind. The box, from Jesus’ Holy Land with its message of Hope in our Resurrection, seemed just right.
I knew what I’d find inside and gently, reverently took out the two gold Cross necklaces, their chains strung through three gold rings, one “coincidentally” missing its diamond.
I brought them out to our dining room table.
I thought of the Marriage between the Holy Spirit and My Mary. I thought of the signs I’d ignored. I thought of the embrace I’d been given when I’d accepted God and stopped battling His Wife.
It was time to stop battling on all fronts. Deep in my heart, I sometimes Hope for the Love of a Good, Catholic Man one day, but holding onto the past wouldn’t bring that about and wouldn’t bring me closer to God or who I hoped He was creating me to be.
I’d kind of forgotten the box was there, buried beneath the jewelry I wore more often. It wasn’t part of my daily life or even a something I thought of more than a few times a year anymore, but still…
Holding onto this symbolism of love with no beginning and no ending wasn’t helping my husband or his new wife get to Heaven. It wasn’t helping my children live peaceful, happy lives. It wasn’t bringing Joy to the world. It wasn’t making the world a better place. It wasn’t helping me live the Beatitudes. It wasn’t helping me live Christ’s two greatest commandments.
I recognized the sadness as I picked up the necklaces, our necklaces. I’d bought one for my husband and he’d bought one for me. I still hoped he’d return one day, not to me, but to God and His Mercy. Maybe he already had. It wasn’t for me to know, and I realized that I was fine with that.
I was more than fine.
I was at peace.
I smiled and picked up the engagement ring. I didn’t think of the proposal or what the ring meant in our relationship. That never crossed my mind. Instead, I thought of the sign I believe God gave me when the diamond fell out. I placed the ring back in the olive wood box with a smile.
The missing diamond freed space for the Lord to be my Rock.
That engagement ring now represented God’s Goodness and His plans for my eternity.
It is my promise to Him and His to me.
I closed the lid, two plain gold rings, one small and one large, in my open palm. I looked at them briefly and slid them into my pocketbook.
Mass was beautiful and after Mass we who had been Consecrated stayed for a Rosary. You’d think that because of my promise, God would have gifted me with a better attention span, but that’s not the way Faith works. Life doesn’t automatically get better, and I felt my mind drifting several times during prayers. Like a small child on Christmas, I was so excited. I wanted a few moments in the Church alone. There was something I needed to do, a gift to be received. I was restless and happy at the same time. I could hardly sit still.
And then, too quickly, it was over.
We went downstairs for a gathering in the Church basement. While everyone was chatting happily, I snuck back upstairs. The Church was quiet as I approached the altar. There was so much I wanted to say to God, but I smiled instead, knowing He could read my heart better than any of the rambling I tend to do.
I had a gift for God.
I was the only living person in the Church, so I approached the altar quietly and happily, humble yet confident.
I trusted God with my future, with my boys, and with the man I’d once thought was my husband. It was time to give them all back to Him.
My only doubt came as I thought of a lector arriving early and throwing the package in the trash. I guess I wasn’t so trustful of whoever would come and find a crumpled tissue on the altar. I hastily wrote another note on the outside of the tissue saying, “Do not throw away.” I giggled a bit thinking of how I trusted Christ’s Church but not whoever would come to the altar before the evening Mass.
Leila Miller’s reminder comes back to me now, “Lean not on your own understanding.” This was true in annulments, in school shootings, in Consecration, and in leaving your past behind and promising your future as a gift to God.
I walked to the altar and placed the tissue wrapped package on the glass altar top noticing the window high above reflected perfectly in the glass. I wanted to capture that moment, but as I tried to focus my phone, I noticed something else. I could not focus both on the tissue and and the reflection of the Holy Family.
I had to choose between the gift I was offering and God. Like in Consecration, it had to be an all or nothing thing. If I left those rings before on the altar, before the Tabernacle, at the foot of the Cross, there’d be no turning back. I knew I could never again turn even part of my focus on what “should” have been, what “might” have been, or an “if only.” This was all or nothing.
I didn’t hesitate, but I did suppress a giggle in the quiet Church. I bubbled like five year old with a secret at the ludicrousness of Satan even suggesting his choice offered competition.
He had no power over me.
Neither did my husband or my own negative thoughts.
It was time to let go and let God. I finally understood that by giving myself to Mary, I was not taking myself away from God but opening myself to a different way of looking at things.
It was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. It was my birthday. I was the same age as Mary when she handed her Son over to God’s plan. What a gift My Mary, My Mother, gave to me! What a Love My Savior acted upon! The least I could do was give them a small gift in return. The thing is, I know I still got the better end of the deal.
I heard a noise at the back of the Church and knew someone was coming up the steps. I scurried away from the altar, grinning and skipping and looking guilty as I almost ran into an older man who had just turned up the steps. He seemed startled to find me there and looked at me curiously.
I grinned more broadly at him and rambled something about just heading downstairs. Before I left, I turned toward the altar once again. I winked at My God and blew Him a kiss. Then, with a wink and another grin again at the confused, old man, I turned away from the altar and the tiny wrapped tissue I’d left there.
I turned away from a past and into God’s Embrace.
I finally understood what real Love is.
I was finally free!
There is so much that has happened in the four short weeks since Consecration! I saw my addiction to sin battled for me and have made huge turnarounds I know would not have been possible. I’ve also had some major bad news strike and some challenges from surprise sources. Consecration to Jesus doesn’t eliminate darkness. It just shows you how to deal with it better. Eventually, I’ll explain all that too, but for now, His Graces just keep coming and I’m holding them close to my Heart (Thank you My Mary for showing me how to do this too!).
I hope you, male and female, undergo a Consecration to Jesus through My Mary too. It is not easy, but it is unblinding and life changing. If you have any questions or if I can help you in any way, please reach out.
Posts About My Marian Consecration:
- Hungering in a Cold Darkness & My Marian Consecration
- Snow Brings Cold & Isolation. DeMontfort Brings Darkness in My Marian Consecration.
- Wounds of Divorce & Marian Consecration with Maximilian Kolbe
- Hunger, Thirst, & Giving My Heart in Marian Consecration
- Coincidences & the Final Meeting in Marian Consecration
- Feeling Protestant in Marian Consecration
- Grace, Wisdom, & Light in Marian Consecration – FINALLY!
- Coincidences & Gift of My Marian Consecration
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