Family Court Results – Kicked in the Gut

Weighing the scales of justice
I think I was thrust on her dagger. There is no fairness in divorce.

Kicked in the gut. That’s the only way I can describe how it felt to sit in family court again today.

My ex did not even show up. I sat there while my ex husband, his girlfriend, and one of our five boys vacations on the shore, and I listened to a junior attorney explain that he couldn’t be there because of prior plans. Yep, kicked in the gut.

I sat there with stacks of evidence almost 8 inches high documenting events since February. I sat there and listened as the judge said the trial would be held at a later date, that this was just a preliminary appearance or something, and I wondered about all the working single women who are forced to take time off from their jobs to fight for the little child support they get.

The judge then went ahead and set the date for one of three days I know I am working teaching a class that I cannot change without a major blow to my finances and, more importantly, to the new business I am working hard to establish.

When I asked the judge for a different date, he too kicked me in the gut by harshly telling me I should change my plans.

I thought of my husband and his girlfriend on the beach instead of in court now. I thought of my eleven year old who wanted so badly to be with his brothers at our family reunion but who felt sorry for his father and went with him.

I thought of how my ex refuses to tell me where my son is or when he will return. I thought of how I haven’t heard from him since he left and how he is probably unaware of the fact that I have sent messages asking to speak with him, but they have been replied to unkindly or ignored completely.

I entered family court shaking, and only God gave me the courage to stand up when I began feeling kicked in the gut by the system I had thought would help me. I again asked the judge for the dates to be changed and about what to do about not being able to reach my son.

The judge reluctantly rescheduled the court date and sent me downstairs to fill out yet more baffling paperwork in order to request information about the location of my son.

Before leaving the courtroom, I asked the judge about the tax returns and the sale of the house, both of which had previously been ordered and agreed upon in the and worth a lot of money for me. I was told the court had no jurisdiction over these matters and that I would have to hire an attorney to look into it. After almost $30,000 in three years of attorney fees (I still owe about $8,000) and few memorable results, I can no longer afford an attorney and am forced to represent myself as my credit rating is at rock bottom and I struggle financially. Again, kicked in the gut by the system.

There is so much that was unfair about family court today, and I know that kicked in the gut feeling will last awhile.

I try to find comfort in the fact, that I can feel proud of myself and thankful to God for giving me this opportunity to learn to speak up for myself, to be assertive and learn confidence even while getting angrier at a system which is broken, rewards the guilty party, and punishes women and children.

I will continue to pray and find the good.

God Bless…

Family Court – Waiting (Part I of this story)

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9 thoughts on “Family Court Results – Kicked in the Gut”

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  4. My little, I’m sorry, sounds so pitiful to what you went through. But I am sorry…and mad as …. at our court system. Mad at your husband who I don’t know, mad at men in general who leave a good woman and five boys to life selfishly. I am thinking about letting my son read this because I don’t think he ever understood why I was mad at him for leaving his wife and two children. Thank God He was not mad but loved him enough to pour conviction on him often. It’s like having a new son now…his voice is different, his actions are different. I pray to God he will stick it out this time.

    1. I know Betty. When I first heard about your son it was after he had returned. I was so grateful he had returned and admired him for doing so, but still feel a bit… upset maybe is the most all encompassing word I can think of. I understand temptation and the desire to just have it easy, but don’t understand walking away from your family and your promises. God is amazing in how He can handle people and situations we think are beyond saving. Your son sounds like he’s become a man he couldn’t have been without his struggle. I am so impressed with how supportive everyone around him (especially his wife!) has been! They (and he!) are truly inspirational.

      At this point, I am most disappointed in the court system, a system we naively think will uphold what is right but is really still protecting those with money and power. The more people I speak to, the more I realize how unjust our system is, but I also am realizing that our system was never capable of providing justice in the case of marriage. That is an illusion. Marriage is a religious Sacrament given by God. Man brings the government into marriage expecting the government and the court system to right wrongs against God’s Sacrament. We are foolish to think the court has enough power to correct offenses to God’s Law, and we are weak to hand our personal power over to the court system, and yet, even I sometimes still find myself hoping the courts will get it right this time!

      My ex is someone I don’t recognize anymore and his new girlfriend is…I’m not even sure what the right word is. I know I wouldn’t want someone who would abandon his pregnant wife and children the way he did, and I wonder why her standards are so low. I now realize they are not worth my anger although I still struggle to find words to pray for them. I do think you may be giving me too much credit however. I am not that good of a woman. I am as much a sinner as anyone else and as open to temptation and judgement as the next person. I wish I was a better person, but I thank God for His forgiveness of me and I will try to do better in the very next second than I have in this one.

  5. please , anyone , who reads this. please pray for me and my son and my mom. that god will provide and pray we keep our transportation and apt. thank you and god bless

    1. Nicole…I am praying for you and your son and your mom tonight. I will you add you and your transportation, apartment, and financial needs to my prayers. I read your other comment too and will respond to that more asap. You are priceless. Please let me know how you are doing. God Bless You all three of you. xoxoxo

      PS If anyone else is reading this who has written recently that I have not gotten back to, please hang in there. I didn’t think anyone read this blog anymore, and I am just checking it now. I have so many people writing about being left, abandoned, most of you are pregnant or new moms. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I want to take the time to respond to each of you and will over he next few days. Please know you are loved and I am holding each of you in my prayers. God Bless…

  6. I’am sitting here, trying to figure out where do i start. My mind is running on cold ice. I feel as though I’am on that ice in the middle of nowhere. I’am sitting here full of tears. thinking I wish I would of made better financial choices for me and my son. Iam sitting here wondering why did I leave one abusive relatonship to only get into another. I am wondering how Iam going to make my car payment, pay rent, buy food n still maintain enough emotional stability to take care of my son and disabled mother. Iam sitting here wondering why the man who claims he loves me refers to me as asshole and stupid bitch when he gets upest. I guess beacuse he knows that withoug his help that i will not be able to pay my bills. I am sitting here wondering that even after i pick up more hrs on my job that my time with my son will be sacrificed and i will only profti 130 a month after deductions, and medical cost. Iam sitting here. Wanting to believe that god will see me through. that i will get through,. I am sitting here with so much hatred toward men and how inconsiderate and selfish they can be. Iam so scared of losing my apt. n car that iam mumb. all day i cry . i go to work and crty. I come home and cry . I go to bed and cry. and i try not to get mad at god, cause i did not make such good financial decisions. but im trying . and known that im trying , everything is falling apart. Iam sitting here. Scared, alone, afraid, hurt , and severly depressed. even after the prozac. iam so very afraid. and sad.

    1. My Dear Sweet Nicole,

      I am so sorry for your pain. I think the analogy to sitting on cold ice is exactly right, and that you are so smart to make that connection. That is exactly how I felt so many times: frozen, numb, ice cold – painfully cold – so cold I would literally shake for months.

      I have read your comment so many times in the past few days trying to figure out exactly what to say to you. I wish I had better words. Abuse is not easy to talk about. I know. I have been there too. It is not something I talk about often – but maybe it is time since I think it is so much a part of why you are in this situation and why you are feeling so completely devastated. 🙁

      I wonder how many of my choices have been colored by my abuse. Would I have been bullied in middle school? dated that creep in college? put myself in that situation? stayed with a husband who didn’t hit but sure was far from loving in too many ways?

      I don’t know, but I do know that I have a choice now. I have been a single mom for 4 and a half years now, and I am beginning to think about dating and choices I can make again and how those choices will affect my future and my children’s future. I am realizing that I still have a difficult time saying no even when I’m uncomfortable with where things are going.

      I am telling you this now, even though it is painful and humiliating for me, because I want you to know I do understand. I have been there, and others have too; you are not alone. You are never alone.

      But even more than that, I want you to know that you are so much better than that. God is not mad at you. He LOVES YOU, NICOLE. Loves you despite your insecurities, mistakes, and imperfections. He wants better for you, but He has given you the free will to choose to believe that or to choose to believe the negative voices that surround you. This man who says he loves you does not know what love is. Do you? Is love being treated in the way you have been treated?

      God is Love. He would never tell you the things this man is saying to you, things the world is screaming to you. I know. They said the same things to me too. I knew I was worthless, unlovable, a nothing, a nobody. Some days I still have to fight that creeping, hurtful, clawing yuck that threatened me physically, mentally, emotionally.

      You must LEARN and then KNOW BEYOND A DOUBT that you are worthy, lovable, something incredible, a Somebody, not because you are perfect, but because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Read, pray about, reflect on, and repeat until you slowly understand Jeremiah 29

      Letter to the Exiles in Babylon.

      For thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel:
      Do not be deceived by the prophets and diviners who are among you;
      do not listen to those among you who dream dreams,
      for they prophesy lies to you in my name;
      I did not send them—oracle of the LORD.

      For thus says the LORD:
      Only after seventy years have elapsed for Babylon will I deal with you
      and fulfill for you my promise to bring you back to this place.
      For I know well the plans I have in mind for you.
      plans for your welfare and not for woe,
      so as to give you a future of hope.
      When you call me, and come and pray to me, I will listen to you.
      When you look for me, you will find me.
      Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me and I will change your lot;
      I will gather you together from all the nations and all the places to which I have banished you
      and bring you back to the place from which I have exiled you.

      There is more than this, but this is what I held onto, and I hope you print it and repeat it.

      Nicole, do you really understand this? It took me a long time (& I still need to remember some days and with some people!) that there are deceivers out there, people I wrongly trust, deceivers who seem good and godly, but who do not listen to my dreams and lie to me and others in the name of God, but God did not send them. God will allow you to live in exile from Him because He wants you to understand that He has plans for you and your future – your good future, a future full of hope when you call Him, look for Him, seek Him.

      Too many times Christians take the easy way out telling others if they just believe, life falls into place; money comes; relationships improve; life magically falls into place. It does not, but without faith, these things rarely happen. Without faith, success is hollow. With faith, success – financially, medically, relationally, and in so many other ways – is more likely to happen because you understand your own worth. People can no longer steal your value because your value comes from the Lord, not from people or things. You understand your value does not come from an abusive-angry-selfish-immature man but from the only perfect Father and the only perfect Son who loved you so much that He came to earth, suffered, and died for you even knowing you would be less than perfect. It is okay to be less than perfect.

      You say you hate men, as an abuse survivor, part of me understands that. Although I never hated men, I was fearful of them, but as the mom of five boys, as one who has met so many wonderful men who have helped my family and protected my boys and me, and as a Child of my loving God the Father, I KNOW this is only part of the story. It’s what I choose when I am not strong enough to fight my demons. It is my easy way out, but it is a temporary satisfaction at best and it is not the real story.

      It is hard to have faith in others, to question whether I will choose the right ones or the wrong ones, to know I will be hurt, that I will make mistakes, but that I will still be worthwhile and lovable. Your Father loves you perfectly as you have never known you were loved. Do not hate all men. Hate the sin, not the sinner, but at the same time, do not put yourself in the position where you are vulnerable to an abusive man again.

      I so want to reach out to you Nicole. I have spoken too much already, but I want you to know so much that I understand but know you can do this. You are not alone. You do have choices. Seek Christian help. Please value yourself. I love you because you are my Sister in Christ and THAT makes you wonderfully made, valuable, precious. Once you learn this, you live in peace with even challenging situations and make better choices that lead to a better life.

      Please Nicole, I am tired and probably babbling as I write this, but please keep in touch and know I love you and your mother and your precious son in my prayers. Please keep writing to me, Nicole.

      God Bless…

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