Kicked in the gut. That’s the only way I can describe how it felt to sit in family court again today.
My ex did not even show up. I sat there while my ex husband, his girlfriend, and one of our five boys vacations on the shore, and I listened to a junior attorney explain that he couldn’t be there because of prior plans. Yep, kicked in the gut.
I sat there with stacks of evidence almost 8 inches high documenting events since February. I sat there and listened as the judge said the trial would be held at a later date, that this was just a preliminary appearance or something, and I wondered about all the working single women who are forced to take time off from their jobs to fight for the little child support they get.
The judge then went ahead and set the date for one of three days I know I am working teaching a class that I cannot change without a major blow to my finances and, more importantly, to the new business I am working hard to establish.
When I asked the judge for a different date, he too kicked me in the gut by harshly telling me I should change my plans.
I thought of my husband and his girlfriend on the beach instead of in court now. I thought of my eleven year old who wanted so badly to be with his brothers at our family reunion but who felt sorry for his father and went with him.
I thought of how my ex refuses to tell me where my son is or when he will return. I thought of how I haven’t heard from him since he left and how he is probably unaware of the fact that I have sent messages asking to speak with him, but they have been replied to unkindly or ignored completely.
I entered family court shaking, and only God gave me the courage to stand up when I began feeling kicked in the gut by the system I had thought would help me. I again asked the judge for the dates to be changed and about what to do about not being able to reach my son.
The judge reluctantly rescheduled the court date and sent me downstairs to fill out yet more baffling paperwork in order to request information about the location of my son.
Before leaving the courtroom, I asked the judge about the tax returns and the sale of the house, both of which had previously been ordered and agreed upon in the and worth a lot of money for me. I was told the court had no jurisdiction over these matters and that I would have to hire an attorney to look into it. After almost $30,000 in three years of attorney fees (I still owe about $8,000) and few memorable results, I can no longer afford an attorney and am forced to represent myself as my credit rating is at rock bottom and I struggle financially. Again, kicked in the gut by the system.
There is so much that was unfair about family court today, and I know that kicked in the gut feeling will last awhile.
I try to find comfort in the fact, that I can feel proud of myself and thankful to God for giving me this opportunity to learn to speak up for myself, to be assertive and learn confidence even while getting angrier at a system which is broken, rewards the guilty party, and punishes women and children.
I will continue to pray and find the good.
Family Court – Waiting (Part I of this story)
9 thoughts on “Family Court Results – Kicked in the Gut”
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My little, I’m sorry, sounds so pitiful to what you went through. But I am sorry…and mad as …. at our court system. Mad at your husband who I don’t know, mad at men in general who leave a good woman and five boys to life selfishly. I am thinking about letting my son read this because I don’t think he ever understood why I was mad at him for leaving his wife and two children. Thank God He was not mad but loved him enough to pour conviction on him often. It’s like having a new son now…his voice is different, his actions are different. I pray to God he will stick it out this time.
I know Betty. When I first heard about your son it was after he had returned. I was so grateful he had returned and admired him for doing so, but still feel a bit… upset maybe is the most all encompassing word I can think of. I understand temptation and the desire to just have it easy, but don’t understand walking away from your family and your promises. God is amazing in how He can handle people and situations we think are beyond saving. Your son sounds like he’s become a man he couldn’t have been without his struggle. I am so impressed with how supportive everyone around him (especially his wife!) has been! They (and he!) are truly inspirational.
At this point, I am most disappointed in the court system, a system we naively think will uphold what is right but is really still protecting those with money and power. The more people I speak to, the more I realize how unjust our system is, but I also am realizing that our system was never capable of providing justice in the case of marriage. That is an illusion. Marriage is a religious Sacrament given by God. Man brings the government into marriage expecting the government and the court system to right wrongs against God’s Sacrament. We are foolish to think the court has enough power to correct offenses to God’s Law, and we are weak to hand our personal power over to the court system, and yet, even I sometimes still find myself hoping the courts will get it right this time!
My ex is someone I don’t recognize anymore and his new girlfriend is…I’m not even sure what the right word is. I know I wouldn’t want someone who would abandon his pregnant wife and children the way he did, and I wonder why her standards are so low. I now realize they are not worth my anger although I still struggle to find words to pray for them. I do think you may be giving me too much credit however. I am not that good of a woman. I am as much a sinner as anyone else and as open to temptation and judgement as the next person. I wish I was a better person, but I thank God for His forgiveness of me and I will try to do better in the very next second than I have in this one.
please , anyone , who reads this. please pray for me and my son and my mom. that god will provide and pray we keep our transportation and apt. thank you and god bless
Nicole…I am praying for you and your son and your mom tonight. I will you add you and your transportation, apartment, and financial needs to my prayers. I read your other comment too and will respond to that more asap. You are priceless. Please let me know how you are doing. God Bless You all three of you. xoxoxo
PS If anyone else is reading this who has written recently that I have not gotten back to, please hang in there. I didn’t think anyone read this blog anymore, and I am just checking it now. I have so many people writing about being left, abandoned, most of you are pregnant or new moms. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I want to take the time to respond to each of you and will over he next few days. Please know you are loved and I am holding each of you in my prayers. God Bless…
I’am sitting here, trying to figure out where do i start. My mind is running on cold ice. I feel as though I’am on that ice in the middle of nowhere. I’am sitting here full of tears. thinking I wish I would of made better financial choices for me and my son. Iam sitting here wondering why did I leave one abusive relatonship to only get into another. I am wondering how Iam going to make my car payment, pay rent, buy food n still maintain enough emotional stability to take care of my son and disabled mother. Iam sitting here wondering why the man who claims he loves me refers to me as asshole and stupid bitch when he gets upest. I guess beacuse he knows that withoug his help that i will not be able to pay my bills. I am sitting here wondering that even after i pick up more hrs on my job that my time with my son will be sacrificed and i will only profti 130 a month after deductions, and medical cost. Iam sitting here. Wanting to believe that god will see me through. that i will get through,. I am sitting here with so much hatred toward men and how inconsiderate and selfish they can be. Iam so scared of losing my apt. n car that iam mumb. all day i cry . i go to work and crty. I come home and cry . I go to bed and cry. and i try not to get mad at god, cause i did not make such good financial decisions. but im trying . and known that im trying , everything is falling apart. Iam sitting here. Scared, alone, afraid, hurt , and severly depressed. even after the prozac. iam so very afraid. and sad.
My Dear Sweet Nicole,
I am so sorry for your pain. I think the analogy to sitting on cold ice is exactly right, and that you are so smart to make that connection. That is exactly how I felt so many times: frozen, numb, ice cold – painfully cold – so cold I would literally shake for months.
I have read your comment so many times in the past few days trying to figure out exactly what to say to you. I wish I had better words. Abuse is not easy to talk about. I know. I have been there too. It is not something I talk about often – but maybe it is time since I think it is so much a part of why you are in this situation and why you are feeling so completely devastated. 🙁
I wonder how many of my choices have been colored by my abuse. Would I have been bullied in middle school? dated that creep in college? put myself in that situation? stayed with a husband who didn’t hit but sure was far from loving in too many ways?
I don’t know, but I do know that I have a choice now. I have been a single mom for 4 and a half years now, and I am beginning to think about dating and choices I can make again and how those choices will affect my future and my children’s future. I am realizing that I still have a difficult time saying no even when I’m uncomfortable with where things are going.
I am telling you this now, even though it is painful and humiliating for me, because I want you to know I do understand. I have been there, and others have too; you are not alone. You are never alone.
But even more than that, I want you to know that you are so much better than that. God is not mad at you. He LOVES YOU, NICOLE. Loves you despite your insecurities, mistakes, and imperfections. He wants better for you, but He has given you the free will to choose to believe that or to choose to believe the negative voices that surround you. This man who says he loves you does not know what love is. Do you? Is love being treated in the way you have been treated?
God is Love. He would never tell you the things this man is saying to you, things the world is screaming to you. I know. They said the same things to me too. I knew I was worthless, unlovable, a nothing, a nobody. Some days I still have to fight that creeping, hurtful, clawing yuck that threatened me physically, mentally, emotionally.
You must LEARN and then KNOW BEYOND A DOUBT that you are worthy, lovable, something incredible, a Somebody, not because you are perfect, but because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Read, pray about, reflect on, and repeat until you slowly understand Jeremiah 29 http://www.usccb.org/bible/jeremiah/29
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