Waiting is sooooo hard! I remember waiting for the judge to determine child support, waiting for child support to come in, waiting for the lawyer to return my calls, waiting for the courts to do the right thing.
I remember waiting for our home to be sold, waiting for someone to let me, a single, unemployed, broke, shattered woman, and her five young boys, rent an apartment, waiting to find out what would happen when we were turned away again. And again. And AGAIN.
I remember waiting to update my teaching license, waiting see if the classes I took would come through when no one in NYS had ever succeeded on the path I was trying, waiting to get the call saying I’d done it.
I remember waiting to get that first job, waiting for that much needed paycheck, waiting for health benefits, waiting for a full time position.
Most of all, I remember waiting to not feel scared and alone, waiting to have confidence to face people who judged me, waiting to believe those who stood by me and said I could do it, waiting to believe in myself and in God’s plan for my boys and me.
I remember waiting on joyful holidays where I sat home alone wanting to die, waiting for days I could pick myself up off the bathroom floor because the pain and loss and sorrow and hopelessness and terror and isolation and worthlessness cut just too deep, waiting in an empty house for my kids to come home, waiting for them to reignite the spark that was once in their eyes that, only a mom who loves them best, can see has changed.
I remember waiting for my husband to come back, to see I’d loved him, to see worth in me like I’d seen in him.
Waiting.
Most of the things I’ve waited for haven’t come true despite my best efforts to make them come to be.
I’ve given up waiting for them. Reality tells me it’s time to “move on.”
Even with intense losses though, my waiting made me a better person. My waiting was not spent sitting around demanding goodness drop into my lap, being resentful of what others have (although my heart still longs for much of that), or thinking others should give to me simply because…because oh poor me!
My waiting was spent going out, working hard, trying (and often failing) to do better, to live as others don’t, and to see good in the world.
Many of my most difficult “waits” are impossible to put into words. Many times I waited for…what? I wasn’t even sure. I just knew where I was wasn’t fulfillment.
Waiting is so hard.
Holy Saturday is about waiting.
Death had come to the Christ. Betrayed by a kiss. Flesh torn off the God-Man in strips. Knees bloodied and bruised from falling under the weight of the Cross. Brain punctured by thick thorns in a mocking crown. Shoulder rubbed raw from the caress of the wood on which He would hang. Nails piercing skin, blood vessels, cartilage, and finally the wood He’d carried.
My Mary stood at the foot of the Cross waiting for…what? Did she even know?
Would she have waited for someone to swoop in and rescue her Son, waited for Pilate to apologize and admit he was wrong, waited for the apostles, who had abandoned their Lord, to hold her hand and stand by her side, waited for John, the Beloved apostle, to cradle her in his arms and tell her it was all a bad dream?
Would she have simply waited for her Son to die and His suffering to end?
Waiting always has elements of both hope and fear.
Holy Saturday 2000+ years ago would have been filled with more fear than hope, yet the Blessed Mother of Jesus, despite all the darkness and denial of His followers, would have had hope!
Her hope was not in the things I waited for when my life was so difficult.
She did not wait for unjust courts to come around, for material wealth, or for others to understand.
Her hope was simply in the Lord, in her Divine Son, and in the promise that, when we turn to Him, we receive Love and Peace to surpass all understanding.
Today, you may be facing Holy Saturday with some of the confusion and fear and uncertainty the apostles felt.
In waiting for the next shoe to drop there is always fear, but, if we choose to live like Mary, and do what others will not, there is always hope too!
You do not know where your life is heading, but wait.
You cannot control the wait, but you can control how you wait.
Do you wait like the apostles in fear, withdrawal, and hiding? Do you wait like the crowds, denying Truth, shouting what everyone else is, going along to get along?
Or do you wait like My Mary, drawing close to the Cross, bravely believing in Good, loving Truth in all circumstances?
It’s easy to run and be a victim. Its easy to conform to group think or fear.
It’s hard to stand your ground and believe. It’s also good to do so. It’s only in standing in Truth with Love that makes your wait worthwhile.
Actively promoting Truth, Goodness, and Love while waiting make the rewards for the wait worth hoping for. This kind of wait is the only viable option.
This Holy Saturday, wait, but wait in hope and belief in goodness. Wait in action and in voice and in confidence. Wait in Love.
If you have a question about how to cling to the Cross bravely, ask me! I promise, there is Hope!!!
Happy Easter & God Bless…
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