I Blew It

Young woman's face upturned to the light of God
No matter how you blow it, allow God’s light to shine through you.

Sometimes it’s hard to be a single mom smiling and today I blew it.

My husband and I had almost completed our big, beautiful dream home when he left. He is a carpenter which allowed us do a lot of the work ourselves so, even though we had been living in the house for about five years, it was just beginning to be the dream home we had envisioned when he suddenly abandoned us. The house still needed a lot of work, and I just could not do it on my own.

Due to his lack of child support, my boys and I could not afford heat and, in the home with an open floor plan and high ceilings, we spent many days being very cold and moved to this little house from our dream home. Sometimes the stress of moving from a 4000 square foot home to a 1600 square foot home with five young boys is overwhelming.

I found the above draft from October 16, 2011 and, other than correcting a few grammatical mistakes, I left it pretty much as I found it. I decided to publish it because it shows the ability of time and God to wash away our worries. Less than a year later, and I have no idea how I blew it! Whatever I did, and it was something which obviously made me feel terrible at the time, it is gone now. That is not to say that my blowing it does not matter or that I should not work hard to correct mistakes I’ve made, but it does mean that time and God’s goodness can heal wounds.

Three years after my husband’s abandonment, I know I will never entirely lose that kicked-in-the-gut feeling I had upon hearing my husband say he was leaving or being served divorce papers or knowing he was moving in with her or sending my children to stay with this stranger, but I can hand over my pain to God and learn from my mistakes and know that  time and God’s love do ease the gaping wounds life hands us if we seek them. No matter how I blow it, God can use it for good.

I will forgive myself for whatever I blew that day. Will you do the same?

God Bless…

photo credit

Families Torn Apart - Vacations
Good Night Sleeping Baby

3 thoughts on “I Blew It”

    1. It is so hard to realize His loving Presence in the midst of this awful pain. Seeing our children suffer is the worst part of it. He lives and He came to conquer the world. He never. fails us. God love you. You and your family are in my prayers

      1. Thank you, Lora. It has been almost exactly 6 years since my husband left. I have good stuff happening: a job, a house that looks decent (when the boys don’t leave backpacks, baseball bags, etc laying around – God forbid they pick up a book or something mind enhancing! 😉 ), so much good stuff going on now!

        I still have moments of sadness, but this is my life now. The old married me is so far past, it’s hard to picture myself the way I thought I’d be, and not a tiny shred of me wants my ex back nor has the required admiration or respect for him that desire would take. He is at best a stranger to me and unattractive in every way.

        My life is better now than I knew it could be, but my heart will always hurt for my children and the lost opportunities their father and the other woman’s selfishness has caused them, the security and love they will never know because they put their “needs” above the what is best for children. There is no getting around that point. Although I couldn’t see it at the time, and still believe divorce leaves HUGE scars, adults heal. Children deal. Not really fair to them.

        I can only pray that Jesus’ Grace and the strength of the Holy Spirit lift them as they have me, and that they know The Love of The True Father.

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