Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married. I honestly don’t know anymore. It’s a moot point now anyway, and I’m done going over and over the details trying to figure out what went wrong, who went wrong, whether the marriage was valid or not.
It’s before the annulment tribunal, still in the final stages. I’ll leave it for them to decide and, for the rest of my life, I’ll wait for God’s final judgment. Lord have mercy on us!
20 years ago, I thought I loved my husband. I thought I was ready to get married. I thought a lot of things, but I also now look back and wonder something else.
Was I really searching for a Savior?
My childhood hit some bumps in the road, and my self-esteem certainly took more than its share of beatings. I was awkward and shy and ugly and vulnerable, and I was looking for someone to fill those gaps.
Maybe that’s what attracted me to my husband. He flattered me and seemed nice enough, but too often I looked away when things bothered me. I failed to question things he did and said and also failed to question things he didn’t do or say. Worse, I made excuses for things I did to please him but didn’t agree with.
In my desire to find someone, anyone, I was dishonest with myself and with my husband. I am over simplifying things here a bit. I do believe I really loved him.
But I also wonder if I was looking for someone to save me from the life I’d had.
Searching for a savior 20 years later:
Now, five years have passed since my husband left suddenly, and I view things very differently. I’ve begun to think about dating again (some day), but I know I have to be very careful to not make the same mistakes I did before; one of my biggest mistakes would be to fall for a man who does not have my values and my priorities, to give in to the exhaustion, loneliness, and fear and compromise.
In some ways, many of us are more susceptible to compromise after having gone through the trauma of being abandoned suddenly and divorce, but in other ways, we can be made stronger for surviving. We now know who we are and our own value, a value that does not come from anything we do, but a value that comes from our true Savior.
I am still making mistakes, but if I keep my eye on the Lord, I will stand on my own with Him. I won’t be tempted to look for another Savior – and what a gift that will be for anyone I may some day get involved with, no one wants that responsibility.
We have a Savior waiting for us to fly to Him. Share with Him your triumphs and your struggles. Let Him fulfill His purpose in your heart. Let Him save you!
Share your Story:
Have you ever put too much pressure on someone? Hoped someone would live up to your expectations and were surprised that they didn’t”