I’d been going through a rough stretch with a feeling that something was missing causing emptiness and aching hunger inside me (Read about this in Part I here). I was plodding along in plans I’d dreamed up years ago, but nothing was going like I’d hoped. I was losing heart and feeling that insatiable, gnawing hunger for more.
I wasn’t sure what that more was, so when a friend suggested I find a spiritual advisor, I took his words to heart. Unfortunately, spiritual advisors aren’t easy to find, and I wasn’t sure where to begin.
Coincidentally (if you believe in coincidences, which I do not) a Marian consecration to Jesus was starting in a neighboring parish. It seemed to be the next best thing to having a spiritual advisor, and consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary seemed like a nice thing to do.
Besides, I’m a single Mom of five boys and will do pretty much anything for a night out! 😉
I was prepared to better love, honor, and learn about Mary. I was prepared to let her lead me to a greater understanding of her Son, my Savior. I was unprepared for what I encountered.
Snow Days Bring Cold. Louis DeMontfort’s Wording Brings Darkness:
Our first meeting was snowed out. No big deal. I was a little disappointed but didn’t feel left out. We went to Formed.org to catch up. The next Tuesday we met and I was delighted to see a woman I was friendly with but didn’t know well.
My soul craved this meeting of people with similar values.
I was hopeful as I took a seat, but that hopefulness didn’t last long. The next two Tuesdays were snowed out. Disappointment struck deeper when make up classes were held on the night I teach Confirmation. I’d never make it and was again feeling that deep, hungering, that dark aloneness. Was Satan doing this to further isolate me and possibly others too? Was God doing this to test how seriously I would devote myself to His Son through Mary?
I was sinking in a bit of self-indulgent pity. Worse, the readings of the Marian Consecration were stressing me out. I’d been prepared to love and honor Mary mostly because it seemed like a nice thing to do, but this, THIS, went far beyond loving and honoring and niceness.
Marian Consecration Uses Strong Words That Didn’t Feel NICE At All!
The consecration began nicely enough with hot headed Frenchman, Saint Louis DeMontfort. I read the passages and dug deep into wounds I’d suffered that might interfere with consecration to find Peace and Enlightenment.
I reflected on vows my parents made for me at my Baptism and wondered why that date had never been celebrated. I wondered why I’d never celebrated my children’s Baptisms after the actual Baptismal day. I wondered what the dates of our Baptisms were and why they hadn’t been important enough to remember. I understood more of Mary’s role in Baptism.
So far so good. I was learning and growing, and it was nice.
As I got deeper into the consecration though, an almost tangible, oppressive darkness crept in. DeMontfort used strong words about giving all of ourselves to Mary, and it brought me up short.
Giving Myself to Mary Felt Like Cheating on God.
I’d given the Lord my vow to live my best in His Grace, to love, honor, and cherish Him. I vowed to live the first Commandments, both the one given to Moses that said, “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shall have no other God besides Me,” and the one given by Jesus that told us to, “Love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind, and with thy whole strength.”
If I gave myself to Mary, wouldn’t I be cheating on God?
I’d been devastated to hear of my husbands affairs.
I couldn’t hurt God the same way, but still…
It Got Worse.
DeMontfort said we should give all our good works, suffering, and prayers to Mary for her to distribute as as she wished. The idea of giving God my word so Mary could use me for whoever she wanted gnawed sickeningly at my insides.
I’d already given most of myself over to God, but I’d been giving MOST of myself MOST of the time and always sliding by with an, “I’m only human,” approach to excuse my slip ups. I’d always reserved a little piece of me for me. I’d also never stated outright that ALL I had was His. I’d never made it official.
If I agreed to this Marian Consecration, there would be no good deeds, no redemptive suffering, no heartfelt prayer I could point to when I stood before my God and hoped He’d find me worthy of eternity with Him. It would be just me, naked, alone, exposed, standing on a high pile of my wrongdoings for all of Heaven to see. It’s easy to say you trust God, but to put it all out there and hand over ALL your goodness to be distributed to those who need it most while you’re left empty handed to face eternity…that’s a Trust of a different color.
I know all our goodness comes from God, but still… This was a pledging of my heart and my soul for eternity. I had to think about it long and hard.
If I gave my word, there’d be no turning back. This wasn’t something I could back out on like when I promise my kids ice cream, but something comes up and we can’t go. When that happens, I can always promise my boys a bigger sundae to make up for it, but if you promise God the gift of all your goodness and later tell Him you want that goodness back, what makes up for that? You can’t promise God a better Sunday.
The only gift I can give that is better than all of me,
is Jesus Christ, God’s only Son.
But Jesus wasn’t mine to give.
Besides, He’d already given Himself for me.
There was no greater gift I could give than all of myself and all of the hopes, dreams, and prayers I would have had for my loved ones. If I gave my word, I’d have to keep it. If I blew it. There would be no making up for it. If I gave my all to God, I’d have to mean it.
Which brought me back to the cheating thing. If I gave my all to Mary and told her she could do with me as she willed, was I really giving my all to God? Was I not being unfaithful? Was I not worse than a cheating spouse? Was I not supposed to give myself only to God?
*If you’ve read this far, please stick with me to the end of this series. God wasn’t finished with me yet please don’t turn away thinking this is all there is!
Other Posts About My Marian Consecration:
- Hungering in a Cold Darkness & My Marian Consecration
- Snow Brings Cold & Isolation. DeMontfort Brings Darkness in My Marian Consecration.
- Wounds of Divorce & Marian Consecration with Maximilian Kolbe
- Hunger, Thirst, & Giving My Heart in Marian Consecration
- Coincidences & the Final Meeting in Marian Consecration
- Feeling Protestant in Marian Consecration
- Grace, Wisdom, & Light in Marian Consecration – FINALLY!
- Coincidences & Gift of My Marian Consecration
Have you subscribed to StrahlenGrace and gotten your free download of Break the Blank Page Block yet?
And, as always, thanks for commenting, liking, following, and sharing!
SUBSCRIBE to Single Mom Smiling’s or to catch every post.