Too Tired Tonight

alarm clock
Exhaustion makes you see things differently and can have lasting effects on the brain.

Why Am I Too Tired to Write Tonight?

Let me explain a typical day in the life of a single mom so you can understand why I am too tired to write tonight.

I got up at 4:50 – but snoozed the alarm for about an hour. I started off this morning exhausted after having been up until after 1:00 the day before.

Starting the day around 6:00 AM puts means starting an hour late and already feeling like I cannot catch up. Unfortunately it also means I skipped my Bible reading and morning workout – two things that keep me centered throughout the day.

I knew the workout would be missed, but decided to let it go until after work stops for me in a few more days. With the holidays coming up and my job coming to an end soon, I decided not to stress too much about the workout. I’d pick it up again soon – although I knew I’d hate having to get back into it.

The Bible reading I’d come back to at a quiet moment during the day.

After making my normal nine+ sandwiches, I drove the boys to school. Actually, Troy drove this morning, but, because he only has his permit and because we only have one car, I had to go with him. There was no hiding the fact that I was in my comfy, plaid PJ’s and I cringed as I waved to the parking safety officer at the school. Troy pulled into a spot, the boys climbed out, and I somehow managed to maneuver myself over the center console and all the junk there including our first aid kit, an atlas, a plug in outlet charger, juice boxes, granola bars, bouncy balls, race cars, toy soldiers, and other survival equipment – just in case because I don’t ever want to be stranded with five boys and not have something to keep them occupied.

I came home and hopped in the shower and began getting ready for work. I looked professional in my black pencil skirt and blouse, but the skirt, which I’ve had for at least ten years, was too tight, and I wished I had done my workout after all. Maybe I’d get to it later.

My mom came to watch Kaleb who decided he wanted me to stay (We go through this most mornings and it breaks my heart to leave him although I try not to show him that). He decided if he couldn’t have me he didn’t need a babysitter anymore and could stay home alone like his brothers do. Since I’m not quite ready to leave my four year old home alone for the day, that was not an option, but it didn’t make my leaving or my mom’s day any easier.

I drove Troy to school already exhausted and stressed and went through the wrong line apparently forgetting there are separate procedures for our early drop off and the regular drop off (which we now were having left late!) This embarrassed his sensitive little self him to no end, and when I sang him our daily “I Love You…” song which ends with, “Have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day! I LOVE YOOOOOU!!!” Noah interrupted me telling me grumpily that he would have had a wonderful day if I hadn’t pulled up to the wrong lane. He jumped from the car and watched in horror as the buses began pulling toward where I was parked. He began frantically waving me away from the spot and telling me in no uncertain terms that I was to leave and stop embarrassing him for doing carpool wrong. As I pulled away from the curb, I glanced in my rearview mirror and watched run toward the school getting away from his embarrassing mother as quickly as possible. As he did so, he  pulled the hood of his sweatshirt completely over his head in an effort to hide his face from classmates on the bus who I’m sure didn’t realize the atrocity I had committed.

I knew how it felt to want to just retreat inside a warm, fuzzy sweatshirt, hiding away from the world. I thought of running over to tell him that and reassure him that everything would be okay, but I was late. I’m guessing my doing so would not have helped his self-esteem.

I got to work at the same time the class was to start thankful that I work with the nicest people ever. I gave a quick wave to the security guard and thanked the police officers who were in training n the classroom next to mine for holding the door. I know I was a whirlwind of wackiness in my stressed arrival and wondered if the officers would check to see if I was on anything.

It was okay. I’d pass whatever test they gave me and, if they detained me while the test was processing or whatever, it might allow me to sit in a room for a few minutes by myself.

About an hour into class I regretted drinking so much coffee that morning and had to use the bathroom. I wrapped up the lesson and called for the break. One of my students had questions though, and I felt like a potty training two-year-old as I tried to help him without jumping up and down and holding myself.

Class ended a few hours later. Before leaving the building, I usually stop and talk to the security guys at the front for a few minutes, but I found my head was still in a fog and I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. I wondered what they thought of me as I drove away from there.

My next stop was to return boots I had bought that weekend on Black Friday type sales. I really liked them. They were comfortable. and they looked good, but the boys wanted to try skiing this year. I couldn’t get my boots and pay for skiing. They were already forgoing any Christmas presents from me to ski, but we had just received several months in back child support so I had a bit of extra money for the first time in years and decided if this is what they really wanted, I’d make it work. The reality of what I was spending for skiing was making me cringe though.

I also watched an online video of Mary’s Meals. I couldn’t justify my new boots after seeing that. I would use at least part of the money I received to help others and a gain thank the Good Lord my boys and I live in America – and I would pray even harder that it stays The Land of the Free.

I raced from the store to Noah’s parent conference where we discussed his teacher’s leaving mid-year to take another in house teaching position. While I like the man taking her place, I am unhappy about the transition mid-year. Last year his teacher went on maternity leave. This year his teacher is taking a new position. There is no consistency in this kid’s life, and I wish the school had hired a temp teacher for the year and allowed the classroom teacher to take the position in September.

I had 20 minutes at the end of the conference to race home before tutoring. Kaleb and his cousin had obviously had a fun day by the number of toys, books, and snacks that were strewn around the house and I cleaned as quickly as I could.

Tutoring ended and I straightened up the house a bit more before leaving for George’s basketball team’s  parent meeting.

I came home to hungry children who begged me for that artificial, box of mac and cheese. I made four boxes. They ate almost all of the four.

I had a 7:00 meeting to explain the school’s algebra curriculum at our local high school. I had wanted to attend the meeting, but none of my boys is taking algebra right now. I only wanted to go in the hopes of using information gained there on a job interview.

But Kaleb also had a nursery school meeting at the same time.

And I don’t think I’ll ever get a job teaching at this point.

So giving up and pushing back the worry and fear and ??? that I feel every time I think about what happens if I can’t find a job by this spring, I decided not to go to the algebra meeting.

But I hadn’t said I would go to the nursery school meeting either and we were supposed to RSVP.

I broke family rules and texted a friend during dinner. She said there were extra materials and Kaleb and I should come on over. Kaleb had just woken up from his very late nap and was sitting wrapped in a robe sleepily at the dinner table. He wasn’t eating anyway so I scooped him off and we headed into the cold for another late meeting.

I was glad we did. He had a blast decorating an Advent wreath, singing songs and having fun with his friends.

But it meant coming home late and cold and even more tired.

And I forgot the milk. and we were completely out. I made sure everyone was ready for bed and went back out into the frigid night air to run to the store.

Walking in the door, I looked up to see Troy standing at the top of the stairs.

“Lucy puked all over the kitchen floor. I threw her outside”

I looked at the back our and sure enough, there sat a very guilty looking gray feline. I was incredibly thankful that Troy had cleaned up most of the mess. I used about a bottle of disinfectant and prayed my mother, who is not a cat lover, wouldn’t find out.

Kaleb came pouncing out of my room where he had been in bed earlier to dash any hopes I had of that. “Meema is not going to be happy when she hears Lucy puked inner house.” I was again reminded that this is not our house, and that without my family’s help, we would have had nowhere to go.

Lucy was no where to be found by the time I finished cleaning up. I put a little bed outside for her and prayed she was okay for the night.

Finally, after 11:00, I crawled into bed with Kaleb. I was too tired to put off the Bible reading I had promised I’d do all day and I still hadn’t said my Rosary either. Feeling cheesy, I You Tubed Holy Rosary and Kaleb and I watched it and prayed it together. He enjoyed watching the images and I heard his soft voice whisper as he tried to figure out the words. I cuddled him close to me as we laying praying in the darkness.

It was close to midnight by the time I shut the computer down.

I hadn’t written my post or read my Bible or a half million other things I had hoped to do that day, but I had found time to cuddle with my littlest one teaching him of the Sorrowful Mysteries in the Life of Jesus as we prayed. I was thankful Jesus had endured those sorrows and I knew mine were nothing compared to His or to those most suffer in this world.

Mine was a good day.

God Bless…