I began Marian Consecration because I was hungry for a spiritual mentor to help me escape the rut I’d been in. Besides, Marian Consecration seemed like a nice progression to extend a value in Mary I’d discovered only after my husband left, but I was not having a nice consecration.
Three of the first four meetings were snowed out and made up on nights I taught Confirmation classes. I was hungry for faithful companionship and guidance. This snow felt like it was sent to isolate me, but the worst part of the consecration wasn’t the isolation. It was the terrible feeling that, by following the strong words of Saints Louis DeMontfort and Maximilian Kolbe, and then Saints Teresa and Pope John Paul II, I’d be cheating on God.
By the third week of consecration, I was deeply questioning what I was doing. I felt as though I were under a spiritual attack. I was confused, tired, doubtful, scattered. I couldn’t keep my thoughts together and kept losing my place in my readings and elsewhere.
Life interfered, and I might have dropped out except that, at the only meeting I’d been to, Father Michael Gaitley (author of our Consecration book 33 Days to Morning Glory) told us not to give up if we missed a couple days. At that point, I’d been sure I wouldn’t miss any of this nice consecration, but his words had stuck with me. Could it have been a coincidence?
I couldn’t figure out whether my associating the pain of divorce with my consecration was a result of my betrayal of God or my own warped point of view.
I couldn’t figure out how much of this was real and I needed to be wary, how much was my own made up thoughts, how much was a true spiritual attack, and how much resulted from wounds of divorce. I questioned whether a family could really be united in such a way. I asked if the Lord and Mary could watch me honor and love one of them one moment and the other the next and delight in both rather than see my surrender as breaking the first commandment? I wanted to know if a human heart could love two different beings and still love them completely? I wondered if God gave me that ability or if I was not yet evolved enough?
I saw myself in the same place on that path for days. I mostly kept up with the readings but was unable to move in any direction. I didn’t want to turn away from the consecration, but I couldn’t move toward Mary either. It didn’t occur to me until later that, as I stood on the path with the very clear image of Mary and God standing there together, I wasn’t moving closer to Mary, but I wasn’t moving closer to the Lord either.
I had this gnawing aching, painful, confusing hunger yet felt myself drifting further away from what might fulfill it. The hunger persisted as I went on to read about Saint Teresa’s call to Marian Consecration and her understanding of “I Thirst.”
*If you’ve read this far, please read through my last post on Marian Consecration!
Other Posts About My Marian Consecration:
- Hungering in a Cold Darkness & My Marian Consecration
- Snow Brings Cold & Isolation. DeMontfort Brings Darkness in My Marian Consecration.
- Wounds of Divorce & Marian Consecration with Maximilian Kolbe
- Hunger, Thirst, & Giving My Heart in Marian Consecration
- Coincidences & the Final Meeting in Marian Consecration
- Feeling Protestant in Marian Consecration
- Grace, Wisdom, & Light in Marian Consecration – FINALLY!
- Coincidences & Gift of My Marian Consecration
Have you subscribed to StrahlenGrace and gotten your free download of Break the Blank Page Block yet?
And, as always, thanks for commenting, liking, following, and sharing!
SUBSCRIBE to Single Mom Smiling’s or to catch every post.