path in woods

Wounds of Divorce on the Path to Marian Consecration

path in woodsI began Marian Consecration because I was hungry for a spiritual mentor to help me escape the rut I’d been in. Besides, Marian Consecration seemed like a nice progression to extend a value in Mary I’d discovered only after my husband left, but I was not having a nice consecration.

Three of the first four meetings were snowed out and made up on nights I taught Confirmation classes. I was hungry for faithful companionship and guidance. This snow felt like it was sent to isolate me, but the worst part of the consecration wasn’t the isolation. It was the terrible feeling that, by following the strong words of Saints Louis DeMontfort and Maximilian Kolbe, and then Saints Teresa and Pope John Paul II, I’d be cheating on God.

By the third week of consecration, I was deeply questioning what I was doing. I felt as though I were under a spiritual attack. I was confused, tired, doubtful, scattered. I couldn’t keep my thoughts together and kept losing my place in my readings and elsewhere.

Life interfered, and I might have dropped out except that, at the only meeting I’d been to, Father Michael Gaitley (author of our Consecration book 33 Days to Morning Glory) told us not to give up if we missed a couple days. At that point, I’d been sure I wouldn’t miss any of this nice consecration, but his words had stuck with me. Could it have been a coincidence?

I kept trying to do the consecration on my own. It was designed for a self study, so it shouldn’t have been terribly difficult, but it for me it was awful! The consecration calls us to view Mary as the Mediatrix of ALL Graces and to know ALL good things come through Mary and to give all of ourselves over to her and more. I wasn’t prepared for such strong wording or how deeply impacted I would be.
This went far beyond being a nice thing. This meant giving my word, my heart, and my beliefs to someone in a way I wasn’t sure I could. I didn’t think it was about me holding on to my heart. I had already given it over to the Lord, but Mary was different…
When I prayed and did the pondering the consecration called for, I heard that it was okay. I heard that I need to trust more and to love better. I heard that my consecration darkness was the result of divorce, both my parents’ and my own, even though I feel like I’ve beaten that darkness 99% of the time now. I heard that I viewed consecrating as my being asked to choose between Mary and God. I heard that I saw consecrating through Mary as betraying the Lord, but that, because of how deeply united they are, they would never ask me to choose between them. I heard that consecrating to Mary doesn’t mean putting her above God.
But I’d long ago learned not to trust myself, and I doubted and questioned whether what spoke to me was God or my own thoughts.
The idea that I might choose Mary and hurt God’s feelings put a sick pit in my stomach. I didn’t want to do anything to betray Him. I was a child caught in the middle. I was lost and didn’t know which way to turn. I saw myself standing but very small in the middle of a road, or path. I saw Mary and God up ahead, sides pressed so close to one another that it was almost impossible to tell where one body ended and the other began. They stood so close to me and very far away. Their arms were around each other and extended to me, drawing me to them.
But I was at a standstill, unable to go forward, afraid to take a step and go back on the promise I’d made to God to put Him first.
I was stuck. I felt the pain my children inflicted on me every time they chose to go with their father instead of with me. I felt the pain of my own powerlessness when, even now, as an adult child of divorce, I have to choose between my mother and father. I felt the pain of seeing pain in my children when they experience that same powerlessness and go with the other half of their divided family.

I couldn’t figure out whether my associating the pain of divorce with my consecration was a result of my betrayal of God or my own warped point of view.

I couldn’t figure out how much of this was real and I needed to be wary, how much was my own made up thoughts, how much was a true spiritual attack, and how much resulted from wounds of divorce. I questioned whether a family could really be united in such a way. I asked if the Lord and Mary could watch me honor and love one of them one moment and the other the next and delight in both rather than see my surrender as breaking the first commandment? I wanted to know if a human heart could love two different beings and still love them completely? I wondered if God gave me that ability or if I was not yet evolved enough?

I saw myself in the same place on that path for days. I mostly kept up with the readings but was unable to move in any direction. I didn’t want to turn away from the consecration, but I couldn’t move toward Mary either. It didn’t occur to me until later that, as I stood on the path with the very clear image of Mary and God standing there together, I  wasn’t moving closer to Mary, but I wasn’t moving closer to the Lord either.

I had this gnawing aching, painful, confusing hunger yet felt myself drifting further away from what might fulfill it. The hunger persisted as I went on to read about Saint Teresa’s call to Marian Consecration and her understanding of “I Thirst.”

*If you’ve read this far, please read through my last post on Marian Consecration! 

God Bless…

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Wounds of Divorce & Marian Consecration with Maximilian Kolbe
Hunger, Thirst, & Giving My Heart in Marian Consecration

6 thoughts on “Wounds of Divorce on the Path to Marian Consecration”

  1. Pingback: Hungering in A Cold Darkness & My Marian Consecration - Single Mom Smiling

  2. Pingback: Snow Brings Cold & Isolation. DeMontfort Brings Darkness in Marian Consecration - Single Mom Smiling

  3. Pingback: Wounds of Divorce & Marian Consecration with Maximilian Kolbe - Single Mom Smiling

  4. Pingback: Hunger, Thirst, & Giving My Heart in Marian Consecration - Single Mom Smiling

  5. I know what you mean about wanting more. Just going to Sunday Mass isn’t enough. I thinking joining a lay order is a great way to getting more. They offer a path to holiness. As I mentioned in my other comment, I’m considering joining with the local lay Dominicans. Marian consecration is more of a discipline it seems (or am I wrong) than a order but it seems like a perfect path. I may consider it some day myself. Thanks for all the info.

    1. So this is where wording may get me confused, but I would not consider consecration an order. As far as a discipline, I’d have to check into the exact meaning of that a bit better to know for sure, but I’d guess that’s right. I would definitely recommend it but stick with it to the end! 🙂

      I hope I’m not overwhelming everyone with the info here. This was REALLY tough for me. Aren’t most things worth doing? 🙂

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