I Was Pregnant and Single and Shaking

If you are pregnant and single and feeling alone and afraid, you are not the only one. When I found out I was pregnant and suddenly single I literally shook.

I shook, and I shook, and I shook. And then I shook some more, and when I thought I was done shaking, I found out I had only just begun.

• I was told to sleep. So I went to bed and lay awake – shaking.
• I was told to eat, but my hands shook too much to lift a fork.
• I was told to get over it and I bit my tongue behind chattering teeth or took my pain out on others painfully waving shaking fists.

I will not sugar coat the shaking time. It was horrendous. My husband left 5 months into the surprise pregnancy of our fifth little boy. He told me one day and exactly one week later the man I loved more than anyone, my confidant, my protector, my partner, my friend, my lover was gone and he never looked back.

Almost three years later, I look back at those days and am amazed at the fact that my boys and I survived. I think the fact that we made it through at all is proof of God’s miracles on earth.

At a time when emotions and hormones, doubt and fear, and pain and second guessing everything I had ever done in the 17 years we had been together ran rampant inside me and in every action, every thought, and in every breath I held, the only constant I remember is that incessant shaking. Shaking lasted for a good six months or more after my husband left and it stopped slowly – very slowly.

But it did stop.

Now I shake in a very different way.

• I shake my head in amazement at the selfishness of a man who puts himself ahead of his children and for what he is missing out on.
• I shake my head in disbelief at the woman who has welcomed him into her arms for the past three years and realize how lucky I am to not be her.
• I shake my head at the court system and the women’s groups who too often do more harm than good.
• I shake my head in exhaustion, at the clutter in the house, at the bills piling up, at my reality – AND AT HOW MUCH BETTER THAT REALITY HAS TURNED OUT THAN I EVER COULD HAVE PLANNED IT.
• I shake my head in amazement as my now 2 1/2 year old tells me about his day.
• I shake my head in wonder as his older brothers hold his hand to cross the street or cheer over pee pee in the potty.
• I shake my head in joy as the sound of giggles turn into full belly laughs.
• I shake my head in confidence for the things I have discovered I can do.
• I shake my head and thank God for the blessing this little one has been in my life.
• I shake my head in amazement that I ever thought my plans for my life could have been better than what I have now.

Finding out you are facing pregnancy without a partner is a scary idea, but hold on. The shaking will stop. You will discover that life is still good as blessings you cannot now imagine begin to appear.

If you are just finding out you are pregnant and single, feeling afraid and alone, take it from me – The shaking does stop, and life is good again.

What will you shake your head at a few months from now?

God Bless…